» “Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can’t buy enough to eat.”
» “I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.“
» “People want just taxes more than they want lower taxes. They want to know that every man is paying his proportionate share according to his wealth.“
» “One thing about Republican presidents: They never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says, ‘Boys, my head is turned. Just get it while you can.'”
» “Our distribution of wealth is getting more uneven all the time. A man can make a million and he is on every page in the morning. But it never tells you who gave up that million he got.“
» “Most people and actors appearing on the stage have some writer write their material. I don’t do that. Congress is good enough for me. They’ve been writing my material for years.”
» “If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 16, 2021
Note: Today is National Rum Day. Since it must be 5 o’clock somewhere on earth already (or certainly at the Space Station), the C&J Tiki hut is already open and dispensing a tasty assortment of complimentary Daiquiris, Mojitos, Mai Tais, Dark & Stormys, Hurricanes, Blue Hawaiis, Cuba Libres, Zombies, Bumbos, Coquitos, and, of course, Orange Whips. Do stop by and say hi. I’ll be over in the corner making outrageous slurred accusations at a lamp.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the start of Rosh Hashanah: 21
Days ’til the International Flipper Pinball Association’s 37th Pinball Expo in Schaumberg, Illinois: 72
President Biden’s approval in the latest Fox News poll: 53%
Percent in the same Fox poll who favor the Democrats’ $3.5 trillion budget reconciliation package: 56%
Percent of openly-LGBTQ adults who have received at least one Covid-19 shot, according to a new HRC Foundation survey: 92%
Age at which your metabolism peaks (burning calories 50% faster than adults) according to a new international study: 1
Length of time Mitch McConnell’s enlistment in the army lasted in 1967 before his dad convinced a senator to bail him out so he could go to NYU: 37 days
Puppy Pic of the Day: DoggyFact rates this claim: TRUE
CHEERS to a rude surprise for the master race. The red-hatted cultists got hit in the head with a giant titanium taco last Thursday, as our nation’s latest official count of We The People was released upon the land:
“Our analysis of the 2020 Census results show that the US population is much more multiracial, and more racially and ethnically diverse than what we measured in the past,” said Nicholas Jones, the director and senior advisor of race and ethnic research and outreach in the US Census Bureau’s population division.
People of color represented 43% of the total US population in 2020, up from 34% in 2010.
[The] white share of the US population fell to 57% in 2020, shrinking by six percentage points since 2010, the largest decrease of any race or ethnicity. The share of those who identified as Hispanic or Latino or as multiracial grew the most. […] Non-White US residents younger than 18 now make up 53% of the population among minors, up from 47% in 2010.
Shocked and shaken, the cultists responded the only way they know how: by stocking up on toilet paper and calling for another Benghazi investigation.
JEERS to another goddamn week on Planet Covid. Last spring we thought C&J’s regular Monday updates on the COVID-19 numbers—total cases and death toll—could go bye-bye. Stupid us. We forgot this is the United States of Derp, so here we are with the Delta variant wreaking havoc, and the Lamda variant poised to bring its special brand of covidiousness on us. So we’re bringing back our occasional check of the tote board of woe, because apparently the unvaccinated are having so much fun playing death roulette. Worldwide now: over 207 million cases, and our domestic death toll stands between the populations of America’s 28th-largest city Memphis and 27th-largest Detroit:
1 year ago: 5.5 million confirmed cases. 173,000 deaths
This morning: 37.4 million confirmed cases. 637,000 deaths
As southern Republican governors led by Florida‘s Ron DeSantis continue doing everything in their power to increase the death toll for freedom, hundreds of thousands of motorcyclists just got done swarming Sturgis, South Dakota for ten days of unmasked, non-socially-distanced fun, and now they’re heading back home to tell all their friends about it up close and personal. Thus answering the question: why are America‘s undertakers buying new Porsches all of a sudden?
JEERS to exiting too soon. On August 16, 1977, while sitting on his golden throne, 42 year-old Elvis Presley’s heart ran out of steam and he died at 3:30 p.m. He was supposed to kick off a concert tour in Portland, Maine the next day, but those tickets went forever un-ripped:
Of course, this date has special significance for gaffe watchers: during a stop in South Carolina not so long ago, presidential candidate (Snort!) Michele Bachmann urged a campaign crowd—all six of them—to join her in wishing The King a happy birthday. Someone in the crowd yelled out the truth but she ignored it, of course, since facts are pesky things. Anyway, pay your hunka hunka burnin’ respects here, darlin’. Thankyuhvrrrmuch.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to zippy tubes. If you’re like me (and isn’t everyone?), you’ve been drooling over the prospect of whizzing across the country in a bullet train that’s smooth, fast, runs on clean energy, and serves really good pad Thai in edible bowls. Oh, the life. Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news: new high-speed rail technology is coming, and its magnet-based, no-friction technology means you’ll feel like you’re floating on a cloud. The bad news: it’s not coming here because there’s no money for high-speed rail in the infrastructure bill. No, this technological marvel will be built instead for those backward commie socialist pinkturds in the European Union:
Here in this country if you want to achieve a similar effect, slap some hover boots on your goat, give it a can of Red Bull, and hang on.
CHEERS to riding the rails. 123 years ago today, in 1898, Edwin Prescott patented his design for a “roller coaster.” Followed the next day by a patent for “Ye Olde Hurl Bucket.”
Ten years ago in C&J: August 16, 2011
JEERS to weekend words of wisdom. Billionaire publisher Mort Zuckerman, occupying one of the “liberal” chairs on The McLaughlin Group Sunday, chastised President Obama for addressing the nation on TV Monday as the stock market was plunging. Oh, Mort hated the president’s speech. Squishing his face up into a mean old scowl so his disgust wouldn’t be lost on viewers, Zuckerman—a Very Serious Person Emeritus—proceeded to not make any sense:
“The president, in a sense…he either should have spoken before the markets opened, or after the markets opened. I don’t know who let him go out there. Whoever it was, it was a mistake.”
In other words, Obama was wrong for speaking up after the markets opened up and went down because he should’ve spoken up before or after the markets opened up and went down, but he also shouldn’t have spoken up at all, because it was a real downer. Ladies and gentlemen, please let this serve as a warning to you and your children: this is your brain on beltway cocktail weenies.
And just one more…
CHEERS to going for a little spin. Gather the kids round the intertube screen, it’s time for a little home-school lesson from Professor Billeh. 39 years ago this week, in 1982, the first commercially produced compact discs were cranked out at a plant in Hanover, Germany, eventually causing vinyl record sales to plummet. (Bragging rights go to ABBA, whose “The Visitors” was lucky pressing #1.)
Today CD sales have plummeted as digital music takes over. But sales of vinyl records are continuing their years-long resurgence because of their richer sound and retro snaps, crackles and pops. I still remember the first LP I owned, at the age of six—a record of classic symphonic works for kids that came sealed with a long red wooden “baton.” I spent a lot of hours wildly stabbing at the air while leading my invisible orchestra in the living room—and nearly poking my family’s eyes out. Needless to say, my career as a guest conductor has been spotty at best.
But if you’re in the area, I’m leading the Squirrel Philharmonic in the 1812 Overture on the porch roof tonight. Tickets are just 10 cashews each. For an extra five, we’ll let you take shelter in our basement when the cannons start going off. (Those tree rats really love their gunpowder.)
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
”You have the freedom to splash in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool. But you know something? You’re a schmuck for splashing in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool.”